Yes, another odd and extremely disturbing dream from my deranged teenaged mind. And considering just how disturbing this one is, it’s also kind of weird that it hasn’t affected me at all. Most dreams like this leave me shaken or with some lingering emotion, but not this one.
So first my entire family was mad at me and accusing me of trying to outshine my sister at her own wedding, even though I was wearing everything I was told to. I had dyed my hair red for the wedding, which was another reason they were mad at me, but they had told me to do it, so I wasn’t even sure why they were mad at me. But I tried to be happy and put on a brave face, since she didn’t seem to mind too much.
And then I went back to my hotel room, and was ambushed and raped by a man I had seen earlier at the reception.
I remember the entire dream with a clarity that is a little bit disturbing, especially when you take into consideration that I’ve never been raped.
Don’t fuck with the fortune cookie. This is serious shit, yo.
Maybe tomorrow, I’ll put glitter in my hair,
Perhaps, perhaps tomorrow I will smile.
Just maybe tomorrow I’ll pretty me up,
And maybe tomorrow they’ll look my way.
,
I was thinking that tomorrow I could dress myself up,
I was hoping I might be able to laugh.
I was wondering if tomorrow I could put on new shoes,
And then tomorrow someone would say my name.
,
If tomorrow comes, I may grab my nice clothes,
And then I may find it in myself to talk.
If the sun sets and rises, I might raise my singing voice,
And then tomorrow someone will listen to me speak.
,
Maybe tomorrow, I’ll put starlight in my eyes.
Maybe tomorrow I can even learn to fly.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll remind me how to be beautiful,
Maybe tomorrow, someone will know my name.
When I was ten or eleven years old, I had a best friend named Hailey. One day, and I’m not sure what possessed me to do this, I admitted to her that I thought I might be a lesbian. When she confronted me about it the next day, I quickly lied and covered up my tracks. I never mentioned it to her or anyone else in the school ever again. I never looked at another girl, or boy for that matter, until we dropped out and moved away, and we all know how that ended.
When I was fourteen, I had a friend named Dara. I admitted to her just before we broke apart that I sometimes got crushes on girls next. Less than an hour later, we played ‘Truth or Dare’ and she immediately asked me whether or not I had a crush on a girl. And because I knew I knew she would ask me more questions, I chose ‘Dare’ for the rest of the game. I never mentioned it to her again. And I never mentioned to her that the girl I was crushing on was not her, but the girl who had been with her when we first met.
A few days ago, when I started school, I saw this girl in my class that completely took my breath away. It was one of those “whoosh” moments that really kind of blew me away. But I’ve never said so much as a word to her because the only thing I can think of to say to her is, “Hi. You’re pretty.” And even if I were somehow to come up with a better introduction than that, I know that I’ll never work up the courage to do it. Because if it turns out that she’s not like me then I will be stuck with yet another best friend that breaks my heart because I’m head-over-heels in love with them. And I’m too afraid to approach any of the people I crush on, boy or girl, because I’m more afraid of what other people will think of me than what I think of me.
I’ve never been ashamed or afraid of my sexuality. I’ve never felt ashamed or awkward or been frightened by the fact that I’m able to fall in love with girls just as well as boys. I’m not afraid of me. I’m afraid of other people. I don’t want to be whispered about or pointed at or avoided just for being able to love anyone and even though logic dictates that that might not happen, the emotional part of me, the far greater part, remains in fear and so I sit by myself and stare wistfully as the ones I want. I’m afraid of them rejecting me, which I know will lead to me rejecting myself. That’s just the way I am.
Dear Love of My Life,
This was written on a high of Mayday Parade and Owl City, so please forgive the mush. But before we go any further, I would like to tell you something.
I love you.
I really do. I don’t know who you are yet, I don’t know if we’ve met, if we haven’t or when we will. But I love you with all my heart and soul, and I promise you that I always will. When the day finally comes for us to be united, I’m certain I will look at that day and know that it will be the happiest day of my existence.
I’m sure you’re out there somewhere. We may have passed in the hall, we may have spoken over the internet, we may have met in passing at the cafe. Heck, we might not even have met yet. But you are out there. And one of these days, we are going to crash into each other and something in the universe will finally click into place, and all will be right.
I would just like to promise you that I will love you with everything I am, and I will give you everything I have, and I will adore you in every way I can. I will listen to all those sappy love songs I pretend to hate and know that finally I won’t have to feel a little bit wistful anymore. And no matter how we end, no matter if we part or stay together, I will always listen to those songs and think of you.
Signed,
The Girl You Haven’t Loved Yet